BEFORE YOU CHEAT: 12 Things You Need To Remember

WELCOME TO NERDTWIST

The world is full of sexy women, and all of
us have felt the urge to stray, even just
for one night. Here’s why staying faithful
pays off, for your relationship and for your
s*x life.

Thing 1: When presented with the ideal
cheating scenario, that is, if a flying saucer
lands in the cornfield where you happen to
be standing and a female alien of sinus-
clearing hotness slithers down the ramp and
declares that she wants to come in peace a
minimum of four times in the next hour, and
you take her up on it because you know no
one will ever find out, no one must ever find
out.

Thing 2: Someone will always find out.

Thing 3: If you get caught, the law is on your
wife’s side. And you won’t lose just half of
your stuff. The other half, the golf clubs, the
surround sound, the Armani will be destroyed
in a spectacular driveway bonfire as every
angry woman you know toasts marshmallows
shaped like your testicles.

Thing 4: And if you’re not married? Your
longtime girl is bound by no law.

Thing 5: Or, to paraphrase Neil Simon, do to
yourself what you would otherwise do unto
others.

Thing 6: If a woman who knows you’re
spoken for comes on to you, it’s flattering.
It’s tempting. But remember that she’s doing
it to feed her own ego, not yours. She wants
to see how much power she holds over you.
And if you take her bait, she then knows she
must be superior in every way to your
sweetie. Deep down, she has nothing but
contempt for both your male weakness and
your mate’s existence. That should really piss
you off.

Thing 7: According to the Shari’ah, the laws
of ancient Islam, adulterers must be stoned
to death. Before you say, “Dude, cool,” we
mean with rocks. In these parts, that’s what
will happen to your good name. Friends you
made while you were a couple will disappear.
Friends you had as a single guy are long
gone. That leaves you with the hard drinkers.

Thing 8: You’re about to be with the kind of
woman who wants to be with the kind of
man who would cheat on a woman.

Thing 9: Channel all temptation toward the
girl you left at home. Example: When out for
a night with the boys, go to Hooters, not a
strip club or roadhouse. Hooters girls are the
unsung heroines of relationship therapy,
gorgeous, chatty, and so untouchable that
you always go home hungry. Your girl has no
idea her s*x life will improve tenfold when
you get there.

Thing 10: At the office party, pretend the
coworker who’s flirting with you has
gonorrhea.

Thing 11: If your ex calls, enjoy a pleasant 5-
minute conversation. Then tell her your wife’s
on the other line.

Thing 12: Treat your temptation as a cage
match. Defeating that treacherous organ
between your legs is the ultimate triumph of
man over nature. It’s you versus your man-
hood. He’s up for the challenge. Are you?